Answering Awkward Qs about Your Author Career

"I have this really great idea for a novel -- you should write it for me!"

"I'd love to write a book. If only I had the time!" 

"You should turn your book into a movie! And then cast me. And all my friends."

"What do you mean I don't get a free copy? I'm your sister's best friend's third cousin twice removed!"

If you regularly tell people that you're an author, you've undoubtedly found yourself on the receiving end of awkward questions, wild misunderstandings of the realities of being an author, and confidently stated--but outrageously incorrect--"advice" on how to further your writing career.

If you find these interactions annoying, frustrating, belittling, or hurtful, you're not alone. 

Many authors struggle with how to respond when strangers (or even loved ones!) ask questions they don't particularly want to answer. 

Let's talk about it.

Why These Questions Sting

Even when the awkward questions about your career come from a good place (your relative is just trying to connect with you the only...albeit awkward...way they know how!), it can still leave you feeling frustrated. 

You plaster a smile on your face while inside you're screaming "That's now how any of this works, Uncle Bob!"

But annoyance most of us can handle. 

Shame is the emotion that tends to grab us by the throat and refuse to let go. It stings when you believe your family/friends don't see value in the work that matters so much to you.

And when your career isn't thriving the way you'd hoped, questions about how well your books are selling, how much money you've made, and whether Netflix is going to make a show about your latest release can leave you feeling disappointment, regret, and even the dreaded shame.

These conversations can feel like an emotional landmine. They can trigger your own doubts and insecurities. 

"I’m not writing fast enough."

"What if this first book fails, and I never sell again?"

"Maybe they're right. Maybe I am fooling myself. Why did I think I could make a career at this?"

While you can’t make people stop asking about questions your book, you can learn to navigate these conversations without spinning into a pool of despair. 

Step 1: Decide if You Want to Educate Them

Often, the awkward questions we get as authors come from a lack of understanding about how publishing works. 

Which... fair. 

Our industry is weird.

So many things that happen regularly in book publishing would never fly in other industries. Plus, there are large portions of the process that we have very little influence over. ("I know, Aunt Jenny, it would be cool if Oprah picked my book for her book club.") 

It's normal for people who aren't entrenched in this world to be confused. 

Ultimately, you get to decide how much--if any--education you want to provide about how your fiction career works to the people in your life.

Here are some things to keep in mind when deciding whether to put energy into teaching someone about publishing:

1. Is this someone you see often enough to make the energy investment worth it? Or is this a random relative you see once a year (or stranger at a coffee shop)?
2. Do you think they'll retain what you say? Or will it go in one ear and out the other?
3. Do you trust them to support you? Or will they belittle your goals?

If the person in question is unlikely to hold onto the nuances of publishing (or they're someone who often belittles the things you care about), I recommend you skip trying to explain and go directly to Step 2.

And if you do decide to explain publishing, know that you may be met with a response like, "That's a ridiculous way to do business!"

In those cases, I've found the easiest way to move on is to say something like: "Yup! This is a very weird industry. Anyway, how's your work going?"

Step 2: Set Boundaries & Prepare Canned Responses

There aren't a ton of surprise questions when people find out you're an author. You can probably predict 99% of them.

Here are a few:

1. How are sales going?
2. Are you a bestseller yet?
3. When is your book coming out? (Followed by: "Two years?! Why does it take so long????)
4. Can I have a free copy?
5. When are you quitting your day job? (Or: "You better not quit your day job!")

Knowing these common questions gives you the opportunity to decide what your boundaries are and prepare canned responses ahead of time.

Here's the kicker, though: coming up with your preferred responses gets complicated when you have unprocessed doubts, insecurities, and fears about your career.  

Someone asking about sales numbers only stings when YOU have judgements about how things are going. In order to feel comfortable answering questions about your career, you have to do the internal work to believe in yourself first. (Not sure where to start with that? This is a big part of what we do in The Confident Author Academy.)

Here are some example responses to the questions above:

1. "I don't know my exact sales numbers, but my publisher seems happy!" Or "I won't know until my next royalty statement, but readers have reached out to say how much they love the books!" (Tip: you can say this even if you do know your numbers.)
2. "Oh wow, that would be fun! Not yet, but hopefully someday!" 
3. "It'll be out on DATE! I know that feels like forever away, but there's lots of little behind-the-scenes steps that have to happen. It'll be here before we know it." 
4. "Oh, I wish I could! My publisher doesn't give me very many free copies, and I'm supposed to send those to bookstores/reviewers." (You can give free copies to whoever you want, but your third cousin who you only see at family reunions doesn't need to know that.) 
5. This one will vary depending on your personal goals. I typically find "I'd love to someday!" or "It's in my 10 year plan" diffuses the question.

Remember, you don't owe anyone your deepest, most unvarnished truth. Especially since, in many cases, people are just trying to make polite conversation and have no idea what else to ask about books and publishing.

Step 3: Master the Art of the Redirect

If the conversation doesn't naturally move away from you and your fiction career (and you want it to move on), it's time to employ the redirect. 

This can also be your first move if the person asking questions is regularly an asshole or is someone you simply have no desire to talk to about your books.

You're allowed to be vague and shift the conversation. "It's going great, thanks! How's your new job going?"

You're also allowed to be direct and explain that certain topics are not open for discussion. Here are some examples:

• Talking sales numbers stresses me out. Can we discuss something else?
• I don't want to talk about work. This is party! Let's talk about X. 
• I'm not open to discussing _____ with you. 
• Excuse me. I hear my kids causing mischief in the other room. 

In general, people love to talk about themselves, so if you can redirect to something they care about, you can move the conversation on. 

And if someone is really persistent, finding an excuse to leave the room for a bit can help distract them from their line of questioning. (A trip to the bathroom, checking on the kids, and helping with dinner prep or clean up are popular options.) 

Bonus Step: Decide What Their Intentions Are

This one is a bit of a Jedi mind trick, but if you master this technique, it can have a massive positive impact on all your relationships.

No matter how empathetic you are, no matter how finely tuned your intuition, you don't actually know what someone is thinking. You don't really know what internal thoughts are causing them to say things -- even things that feel hurtful.

Just look at your favorite novels for proof -- people (like characters) often say and do things that outwardly contradict how they really feel. It's like a character who pushes everyone else away (and looks like an asshole as a result) because they're deeply wounded and believe they're unloveable. Humans are messy. Emotions are hard. Communication is notoriously tricky. 

That's why there's often a (sometimes painful!) gap between what we say, what we mean, and what the other person hears.

For example, imagine your mom says, "Don't quit your day job!" 

You might interpret that sentence as your mom saying "writing isn't a valid career" or "I don't believe you have what it takes." When your brain makes that interpretation (which will likely feel like an Objective Truth of the Universe rather than an "interpretation"), it's normal to end up feeling belittled or unsupported.

But it's equally possible what she really means is, "I love you so much, and I'm scared that if you go after this dream, you won't have enough financial security to keep you safe. I'm afraid you'll end up disappointed, and I don't want to see you get hurt." (Which feels very different emotionally!) 

Here's where the Jedi mind trick comes in: since you can't possibly know what is really going on in someone's head, you're allowed to decide their intentions are loving and supportive. 

(Note: This isn't meant to be a way to excuse someone who is abusive or otherwise harmful to you. Sometimes, distance and strong boundaries are your best bets. Cutting someone off--either completely or having certain topics be fully off-limits--is 100% valid.)

The next time someone you love asks about your sales numbers, instead of assuming they intend to judge you, consider whether this could be true: "They're only asking about sales numbers because they love me and want to take an interest in my life. They don't know the industry well enough to know what else to ask." 

Final Thoughts

While this process will make answering awkward questions about publishing easier, the real work to taking the sting out of these conversations is building your confidence in your career. Because when you feel great about what you're doing, when you believe in the future of your career, navigating these conversations is so much easier. 

For additional conversation about these conversations and setting boundaries with relatives, I've got two previous podcast episodes for you. Episode 44 talks about answering book questions during family gatherings, and episode 45 goes into more detail about setting boundaries. 

Happy writing,
Isabel 

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